The Lead

Then I remembered: I read it in The Onion. Almost 18 months ago.

Since this is a family-friendly blog, we can’t share the actual headline from the satirical tabloid’s piece “penned” by James M. Kilts Gillette chairman, CEO and president. But it goes something like this:

*!@# Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades

Man, I love The Onion. Now let’s play a little game. Guess which Kilts quote is real, and which is from The Onion:

Quote 1: “It’s the future of shaving.”
Quote 2: “It’s a whole new way to think about shaving.”

Tricky, eh? Both lines ooze corporate-speak. Ah, but it’s the context that reveals the true Kilts, er, corporate communicators.

From The Onion:

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama’s about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that *!@#*!, too. That’s right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me – the second strip lathers. It’s a whole new way to think about shaving. Don’t question it. Don’t say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we’re on the edge – the razor’s edge – and I feel like dancing.

From the Gillette news release:

“Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving,” said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. “Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership.”

(cue yawn) The point of this comparison is to show that sometimes, in the never-ending quest to increase shareholder value, corporate communications loses its creative nerve. “Breakthrough?” “Next generation?” Where’s Harry Frankfurt when you need him?.

At least with words like @!#*!, you know where you stand.